Our Interesting Thinking About Asking for Help

By Jeff Altman, The Big Game Hunter

 

I conducted an experiment on Facebook about asking for help. What goes on for you?  

I coach people and organizations to play big in the world, and big in their lives.

And I conducted an interesting—or at least it was to me, and apparently to some other people—experiment on Facebook over the last few days. And it started off with a question: “What is so hard about saying ‘I need help’ to someone who can help you?”

I think that’s a pretty simple question. But, here’s some of the responses. “What’s so hard about saying ‘I need help’ to someone who can help you?” Well, the answers—and I’ll just read them off to you, including my own, which is… “the ego”, “pride”—mine is going to come at the end—”pride”…

I’m not… uh, let’s see now…

“I’m not sure what the circumstances were that you’re referring to, but maybe, just maybe, the person was maligned or abused the last time or the first time he or she asked for help.”

Um, and…

Someone else talked about: “was just thinking about this the last few days. I feel like the more help I need, the harder it is to ask.”

“Pride, ego, even harder for men. My wife has tried to get me to ask for directions when we’re lost.”

“Pride and ego.”

“There’s… maybe those who need our help the most just want us to help them.”

You know…

“Stupidity, plain and simple.” Stupidity was my answer, by the way.

“Because it exposes the message I tell myself, that could be true or not, that there is something wrong with me.”

I think that’s an interesting one, in particular, Mike. And that’s who said it, Mike.

So, I want to go into question number two. Obviously, there’s the perception that there’s something faulty with someone who asks for help that seems to be ingrained in our culture. Uh, because that’s generally what was happening. You know, they asked for help—or didn’t want to ask for help because of pride, ego, being stupid (you know, that was again my thing)—and other reasons that keep them from getting the help that they need.

So, how do you feel when you ask for help?

This is interesting. Among the answers were: “fearful”, “maybe desperate”.

“Oh god. When I was younger, I knew everything and never needed any help. Wrong! Now that I’m an elder, I know there are those who are wiser than me and that I could ask for their help. Now I do.”

I don’t believe him. But that’s okay.

“Weak. I should know it all and be able to do it all.”

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! I think that’s the real thing.

“Humble and hopeful.” There were a couple of “hopefuls” in there, which I thought was interesting.

Um…

“What a great question. At the depth, I feel scared and vulnerable and incompetent.”

Right.

So, I think we’ve got this conflict that goes on within us. Yeah, I think this summarizes it very well, what a woman by the first name of Judy said, “Like I’m not worthy, or I’m inconveniencing someone.”

It’s as though we screwed up. That we’re defective in some way, we might be rebuked. There are some people who think they’ll feel hopeful, and that’s wonderful. But the vast majority don’t have that sort of reaction. And the result winds up being that many of us live a particular way that’s, frankly, frustrated, disappointed…

…you know, and how do you win? Because we don’t know everything, and we don’t know what to do all the time, and we do make mistakes and screw up, and…

…you know, we don’t do anything to make it easy for ourselves. Yeah, “easy” is an interesting word in this context, because obviously if you’re asking for help, judging by the reactions I first spoke about—fearful, scared, defective, stupid—you know, it’s not so easy.

But shouldn’t it be easy to just look at someone and say, “Can I ask you for help for a second?”

Like, if they say, “No, not a good time,” “Could I help you at some other point?”

“Okay.” You know, that’s usually what happens, right? But emotionally, we’re caught up in this turmoil.

So, I’d love you to take a little time to reflect on this for yourself and just think about what the impact is of not asking for help, and how that has worked for you and not worked for you. Worked for you in the way of maybe feeling as though you are more capable than you really are…

I admit it, I’m incompetent at a lot of things. Far more than I’d like to admit, but I’m really incompetent about a lot of stuff.

And, I’d love you to… to consider that it is easier for you once you receive the help that you ask for than without it.

So, short video today. Hope you found it helpful.