SEGMENT 1. Today, I just want to talk with you about some of those messages that live within your ears that we used to say were tapes playing in your head. But “tapes” is so antiquated. The voices that are streaming there that are just reminding you of things that were imperfect at.
Whose voice is that? Where did you get that message from? More important, is it right? Is the voice that’s streaming there right?
You know, so many people, when I ask that question of, they really hesitate, because they’ve never really thought about it. And some of them will say, “You know, sometimes it is.” But, then, they know how to recognize when it isn’t.
So much of our life comes from others’ side remarks–A parent, a former employer, friend “I put “friend” in air quotes, by the way), an off the cuff remark that just got through to you at a time when you are most vulnerable. But the question is, “Is it right?”
Forget about their opinion. Opinions come in so frequently. They come in such heavy volume. Everyone’s got opinions about stuff. But do you believe that they’re right? If you do that changes everything. As it does, if you realize that the voice isn’t right
SEGMENT 2. Jealousy. Envy. These are very complex emotions that are derived from loss–loss of status, loss of a relationship, fear of loss, fear of a relationship, loss of status, something.
When we feel jealous or envious of someone, we minimize their success. We imitate them, we’re competitive with them, often, without them knowing it. We celebrate when they screw up. We talk about them, and, in some way, shape or form, our jealousy or envy, changes into a form of hatred.
Do you really want to feel hatred over something that’s really as small as it often is? Probably not. What can you do to interrupt that message? There is a wonderful concept in Buddhism called “offering the victory and accepting the defeat.”
Someone did better than you with something, you can feel badly that you didn’t succeed, but you couldn’t be happy for them that they succeeded, that they failed. And you didn’t fail either. They happen to do better than you. There’s no reason to talk behind someone’s back. After all, what good does that do anyway? You have temporary power, you’re enrolling a co-conspirator in your story?
If they join you, so what? What are you accomplishing it? Messages in our head? We should be better than them? Hey, it’s just another voice that’s streaming between your ears that’s not really doing any good. Is it right? Is this person really better? Or was this a unique success that they had, that, perhaps, you could have done better at? What’s the lesson you take away from this experience that you can apply going forward?
SEGMENT 3. Many the messages that play in our head are misinterpretations. I’ll use a stereotypical one from hetero couples. A woman says to her husband or to the man in her life, “Are you going to wear that?”
He hears it is criticism. She’s saying (Well, maybe there’s a little criticism on there. But she’s saying), I know you could look better than this and I want to help you by pointing it out to you.” Is she hating on the man her life? No, she’s trying to help.
So often these things that play in our head, maybe they were attempts to help; maybe they were “you’re not doing as well as I believe you can.” There’s a whole bunch of things other than that message that’s streaming between your ears, that could have been meant by that message.
I know with my wife, she picks her words carefully with me, not because I’m a bad guy or a mean husband. Not at all. Ashe wants to make sure I hear what she’s trying to say. And she tries to communicate with me in a way where I can receive it. She picks her times when she thinks it’s appropriate. Otherwise, you know, we each have great lives, individually and together.
And both of us support one another. Where can you be that kind of a spouse? Where can you be that kind of partner where you support someone being even better than what they are while, at the same time, adoring them for who they are.
So, I’m gonna just simply say, as I roll out today, today show, Happy Father’s Day to those of you celebrate. Again, I’ll be back in two weeks with another show.
Ⓒ The Big Game Hunter, Inc., Asheville, NC 2019
ABOUT JEFF ALTMAN, THE BIG GAME HUNTER
Jeff Altman, The Big Game Hunter is a coach who worked in recruiting for what seems like one hundred years. He is the head coach for NoBSCoachingAdvice.com. He is the host of “The No BS Coaching Advice Podcast,” and “No BS Job Search Advice.”
Are you interested in my coaching you? Connect with me on LinkedIn and, once we are connected, message me. If you have questions for me, call me through the Magnifi app for iOS (video) https://thebiggamehunter.us/magnifi or PrestoExperts.com (phone)
Subscribe to the “The No BS Coaching Advice Podcast.”
Join Career Angles on Facebook and receive support, ideas and advice in your current career and job.